By Carol A. Korizek-McKenzie, Ed.D., LCPC, NCC for the American School Counselor Association
Anger is a normal emotion for human beings of all ages. When anger is felt, it can be expressed with a wide range of behaviors from mild irritation to severe rage. In our highly-stressed society, excessive anger appears in a variety of forms, such as road rage, emotional abuse, highly competitive youth sports, and bullying. In both children and teens, excessive anger turned inward can be the cause of serious depression. Extreme anger or rage turned outward can escalate into harmful behaviors such as aggressive harassment or violence. Identifying specific behaviors, can help parents better understand their children's expression of anger in children, while determining the difference between "normal angry feelings" and "harmful anger."
Anger often results from or replaces feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, frustration, interrupted goals, or hopelessness. Young children often express a variety of emotions in an angry manner simply because they do not know how to convey those other feelings. Children and teens may learn behaviors for expressing anger from the media, at home from a parent or sibling, or in their circle of influence from friends and classmates. Responding to stressful situations with anger can become a habit that progressively increases in frequency, severity and strength with each repeated outburst. The release of anger onto another target, such as punching a pillow or batting a doll, usually will not lessen feelings of anger and may actually increase the intensity of uncontrolled rage.
Set Limits
Angry feelings are natural in adults and children, but when it is expressed inappropriately, parents need to address it. Parents should work together to determine acceptable ways for family members to express their anger at home. These expectations and limitations then need to be communicated not only to the children, but also to caregivers, such as grandparents and day care providers. It is also important that these guidelines are explained before they are imposed and that they are enforced consistently.
Stay Cool
If an angry outburst does occur, react with calmness. An angry reaction from a parent will only escalate the situation. You don't want to mirror the child's inappropriate behavior. Remember, when you lose your temper, you lose. Calmly allow the child or teen to face the consequences for their inappropriate expression of anger. Model how to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive.
Opening Up
Encourage children and teens to talk about their feelings. Help children learn by your example. Talk openly about your feelings with members of your family. When your children do open up, don't make them feel that they are being judged or rejected. Encourage talking by being a good listener. Children and teens will feel safe to share their deeper concerns when parents listen in an open, caring and nonjudgmental manner.
See The Whole Picture
It is also important to realize that when a family member is feeling angry, you may only be seeing the "tip of the iceberg." For example, a middle-school youngster returns home at the end of the day loudly shouting, "I hate school!" That statement can be an indication of deeper concerns, such as difficulty with learning, problems with peers, feeling rejected or inadequate, being discouraged, fearful or lonely.
Time And Space
Give family members time and space to process their angry feelings. Some parents find it helpful to take time to cool down when they sense their anger escalating. Kids can also benefit from a timeout to relax. A good rule of thumb is one minute of timeout for each year of the child's age.
Avoid Triggers
Sibling rivalry, inconsistency, a lack of boundaries or limits, fear and unmet needs can cause families difficulty in their efforts to function as a unit. Such stress and frustration within the family can result in feelings of anger and resentment. When possible, try to prevent the conditions within the family that cause anger.
Strengthen Family Bonds
Providing emotional support, giving children and teens age-appropriate choices and responsibility, practicing open communication, being consistent with meals and schedules and becoming an active listener are good practices for all relationships within the family.
Choose Alternatives To "Losing It" With Your Kids
Try the following techniques when anger begins to grow and help other family members to learn the method by your example:
- Stop
- Think calming thoughts ("As long as I am cool, I am in control")
- Avoid physical action
- Refrain from using aggressive or hurtful words
- Take timeouts for yourself
- Use an "I" Message ("I feel _____, when you ______, because _____.I wish _______.")
- Express your feelings, what bothers you, what you need.
- Stay calm -- when you lose your temper, you lose.
Acknowledge the Need for Support
Parents may feel that they are alone when experiencing excessive anger in their family. It is important to acknowledge the need for support if a raging child or adolescent is upsetting the normal family balance. Consider a visit with your child's school counselor for support and suggestions about community resources that may be helpful
