By Selma Gwatkin, MA, LSW,CCDC III, Clinical Member, Supervisor, AAMFT
Over 50% of all American children will live in a single parent home as a result of divorce or separation. No matter how old a child is, a divorce will have a profound effect as it involves a number of life-changing challenges and changes. While the majority of children weather the storm and become competent adults, up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience ongoing emotional and behavioral difficulties, compared to 10% of children whose parents do not divorce.
The specific difficulties children face as a result of divorce often depend on their age. Children between ages 5 and 8 react with great sadness. Some may blame themselves for their parents` divorce and feel sad, fearful or abandoned by the missing parent. Kids 9 to 12 years old are distinguished by feelings of intense anger as the predominant emotion -- surpassing loneliness, shock, fear, and surprise. Adolescents also feel loss, sadness, anger and pain, but they often express these feelings by acting out in school. At all ages, teachers report a large proportion of children who go through divorce show changes in academic achievement, moods, attendance patterns, and behavior.
The good news is that schools can serve as a stabilizing force in the child`s life during the family crisis and transition. Besides home, school is the setting most familiar to the child and offers continuity and routine. The safety provided in the school setting may allow children and parents to accept services that seem threatening, demeaning or too costly elsewhere. School personnel can play a key role in helping children and their families cope with such difficult times. When teachers are informed of a divorce and aware of reactive behaviors, they can reach out to troubled students in the classroom and guide them to additional resources. School counselors who are aware of the developmental responses of children can also help them to label and understand their feelings.
Another way school counselors can help is by setting up counseling groups for children going through divorce. Such groups can provide much-needed opportunities for kids to talk about their experiences and realize that they are not alone in their feelings. They can learn more about the divorce process, develop new coping skills, and feel better about themselves -- and their parents.
Many types of groups may be offered. Situational or transitional groups can provide emotional support, opportunities for sharing feelings and similar experiences, and sometimes even a sense of catharsis. Structured groups teach stress control and crisis management through discussion, art, role-playing and stress management exercises. One-day workshops for children ages 10-17 can help group members understand their assumptions and beliefs about marriage and divorce, express their own feelings, understand their parents` feelings, and learn coping skills. Such groups also help children learn how to communicate in difficult situations. No matter what type of group you create, it should be age-defined. Counselors and teachers also need to consult each other on the outcome of these interventions for each child.
School counselors may also provide teachers, administrators, and parents with information on school policies and legal issues related to visitation patterns, school territorial rights, school visits, the release of children from school, and other pertinent school information. By developing a positive relationship with parents, school counselors can teach them how to maintain structure and limits in the home while still being supportive. They can also keep in contact with parents to discuss children`s needs, adjustment, and progress.
Another way schools can provide support is by creating an age-appropriate reading list featuring books on divorce. Children can learn how to identify and manage their emotions stemming from the divorce by relating to the characters in the books and talking about them in individual and group counseling sessions, in the classroom or even at home.
If the child continues to have difficulty adjusting, a referral for individual and or family therapy may be appropriate. School counselors can help parents understand the need for these services and inform them on where and how to access affordable services. Yet it is important to note that these resources are not always available or accessible in all communities, which adds just one more reason why school services are so vital in promoting adjustment to divorce.
There are many ways for schools to respond to the impact of divorce on children. With half of the students in our schools coping with divorce, it has become an issue that cannot be ignored. A school-based strategy to respond to the needs of students dealing with divorce will not only help the growth, well-being and academic performance of each child, but will promote a healthier, happier school environment, as well.
